Joke Thread...

[wasz]

I think i might have done this on Underagezone, but i wanna hear some good jokes!

I thought id start it

off...

A blind man walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He feels the presence of someone sitting next to him, so he turns to them and says "Would you like to hear a good blonde

joke?"

The lady replies, "Before you tell me this joke i want you to think about something. I happen to be a blonde and also a police officer. Sitting next to me is another blonde and she is

a black belt in Karate. On the otherside of you is two more blonde who are a professional wrestlers. Now let me ask you, are you sure you want to tell this joke?

After pondering for a minute

or two the man replies "On second thoughts no... I dont want to have to explain it 4 times..."

... WELL I FOUND IT FUNNY!!

You put something better...

[schitzophrenic]

carryin' on the blond joke theme..

a ventrilaquist.. or however you spell it.. was tellin’ blond jokes at a bar one

nite.. and after a while.. this blonde who was sittin’ at a table near the front.. was gettin’ very annoyed.. she stood up and sed to the ventrilaquist.. “i happen to be blonde

and i don’t like these blonde stereotypical jokes that you’re tellin’.. i happen to be the best lawyer in this state and have gotten many degrees.. and i would very much

appreciate it if you stopped tellin’ blonde jokes” the ventrilaquist did not want to start a fight and he started apologizing to the blonde lady.. and the blonde lady sez “i

wasn’t talkin’ to you.. i was talkin’ to that little guy sittin’ on your knee”

[schitzophrenic]

here's a slightly political one..

President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the

classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the

word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the

street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying

50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room

goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a

small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.



"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would

be no great loss."

[schitzophrenic]

why you wouldn't wanna be a doctor anytime soon...

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy

class with a real dead body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary

to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his

finger in the corpse's ass, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for a few moments, but eventually

took turns sticking their fingers in and sucking on them.
When everyone was finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in

my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[wasz]

George Bush and Colin Powell are in a pub discussing their plans for war. A mans walks into the bar, goes over to the bartender and

asks "Is that George Bush and Colin Powell?" "I believe so" replied the Bartender...

The man walks over to the two men and says "What are you guys talking about?" "We're planning a our war

strategies. We've decided we're going to kill 20 Million Iraqi's and a TV Repair man"

"Why are you going to kill a TV Repair man?" Asked the man. Bush turns to Powell and says "See i told

you no one would care about the 20 Million Iraqi's"

[schitzophrenic]

wot really happens when you go to heaven...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been

a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible

deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I

came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and

sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall

off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories,

he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But

all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second

man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and

every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the

floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on

the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all

right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that

that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his

story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[schitzophrenic]

how you know that child abuse has really gone wrong..

“mommy, mommy.. why do i keep goin’ around in circles on the

floor??”

“shuddup, or i’ll nail your other foot to the floor”

[schitzophrenic]

child abuse.. in a different sense...

there was this 5 year old chick... and she was in the shower with her mum one day.. and

she asks her mum, pointin’ to her tits.. “when am i gonna get those, mommy??” and her mum goes.. “oh, when you’re bout 13, 14.. that time”

then she goes

into the shower with her dad.. and she asks her dad, pointin’ to his dick.. “when am i gonna get one of those, daddy?” and her dad goes.. “in about 5 minutes, when your mum

goes to bingo.”

[wasz]

Q: How do you make a cat woof?
A: Douse it in petrol and set it on fire

Q: How do you make a dog meow?
A: Freeze it and

put it through a cicular saw

Q: Whats Blue and sits in a corner?
A: A baby playing with a plastic bag

Q: Whats Green and sits in a corner?
A: The same baby 3 months

later

Q: Whats red and sits in a corner?
A: A baby playing with a razor

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side

Q: Whats 1 foot tall and 10 feet

long?
A: A baby with a spear through its head

Q: Why couldnt the cat get to its food?
A: Cause its head was nailed to the floor

Q: Whats green, red and travels at 60km and

hour?
A: A frog in a blender

[schitzophrenic]

One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If

these
were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife
was

getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass
was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

One day a week later

the husband is getting out of the shower and
the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I
wouldn't need your brother."

[schitzophrenic]

josh told me to add this one..

ok.. there were 3 chicks sittin’ at a bar.. and they were arguin’ over who had the

slackest pussy.. and the first one gose “my b/f can put his whole fist in it” .. the second one goes “that’s nothin’.. my b/f can put his whole head in mine”..

then the third one goes.. “oh ****, there goes the stool”

[schitzophrenic]

these will give you nightmares...

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from

his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the

bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.



"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?"

demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied,

"That's me before the operation."

[schitzophrenic]

nightmare number 2...

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One

night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to

gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the

light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed,

"What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

[wasz]

A pilot announces over the PA system "Attention ladies and gentilemen i would now ask you to put on your seat belts as we will be

landing shortly" Without realising he hasnt turned off the PA he turns to his Co-Pilot and says "Man when i land im going to get a nice cold beer and then root the ass off that new flight

attendant"

The attendant, appauled at what she has just heard heads towards the cockpit to give the captian a peice of her mind. On the way she trips over a chair and falls flat on her face.

An old lady next to where she falls bends over and says "Calm down darling... He said he was going to have a beer first..."

[schitzophrenic]

goldie.. oldie... (josh's words)

Rob’s mum was mad at him for still being in bed..
“wake up, Rob.. it’s

time for you to go to school”.. she sez..
“but i don’t wanna go to school.. all the teachers are horrible and the kids too.. and nobody likes me and i hate it..” whines

Rob.. but his mum was persistant..
“i’m tellin’ you, Rob.. you’re 49 years-old and you’re the school principal.. you have to go”

[wasz]

A young business man takes a trip to Japan to play golf with a prospect partener. The night before he is due to play golf he decides

to go out and pick up himself a nice Japanese girl. He gets one and takes her back to his room and they start making love. The whole time she is screaming out "Aki Fumu Aki Fumu!!"

Well the

next day he went off to play golf and on the 7th the young man teed off and got himself a hole in one. Hoping to impress the future partener the man screams out "Aki Fumu!!"

The partener

turns to his caddy and says "What does he mean.. 'wrong hole'?"

[wasz]

A blone, a brunette and a red head are in an elevator when the red head spots something on the wall. The red head says "Whats that?

It looks like seamen"

The brunette goes upto it and smells it "Smells like seamen"

The blond goes upto it and licks it "Hmmm... Its no one in this building..."

[schitzophrenic]

on the more innocent side of the world...

2 guys were walkin’ down a street one nite.. when suddenly they come across

something on the ground.. the first one sez.. “woah.. it looks like ****”.. then goes in closer and take a sniff at it..then sez.. “smells like ****”.. then.. he takes his

finger.. lifts up some of the goo and puts it in his mouth and chews for a bit... then sez.. “hmm.. tastes like ****”.. then the second guy goes... “oh, good thing we didn’t

step on it”

[wasz]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head (Yes another one of these jokes) are going for a job interview. The red head goes first, they go

through all the main stuff, then the interviewer turns to her and says, "Right i have one last question to ask you, how many D's in Indiana Jones?" She thinks for a minute then replies "One" "Very

good" The man says and she is on her way...

The brunette goes next. Same stuff, same question. "How many D's in Indiana Jones?" She pauses then replies "One" "Very good" and she in on her

way...

The blonde is next. Same stuff. Same Question. "How many D's in Indiana Jones?" The blonde pauses for about 5 minutes and then says "32!" "32?!" The man replies "How did you come up

with that?"

"Well its easy isnt it" Replies the blonde "Dum da dum dum, dum da dum, dum da dum dum, dum da dum dum dum..." (Thats supposed to be the tune for Indiana Jones)

This

obviously works better saying it...

[schitzophrenic]

on the italian side of the world..

(Must be read with and Italian accent)

One day, ima gonna Malta to bigga

hotel.
In a morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I

say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I don¡¦t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat

at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna ****.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock

on the table.
She say you better not **** on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna

****.
He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand.
I wanna **** on my bed.
He say you better not **** onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk

say: ¡§Peace on you.¡¨
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

[schitzophrenic]

learn from this..

A MORAL STORY


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's

interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the

rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another

miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man

nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY

Women are

clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[schitzophrenic]

greg and his lil' problem.. when i say lil' i mean lil'..

Greg went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem,

but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at

a patient."

"Okay then," Greg said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the

floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise

it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

[schitzophrenic]

josh needed help.. so he asked me to post these as well..

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP

LINES

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat

slut.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet


Man: Your

place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a **** where you go




Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?


Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man:

Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.


Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I

think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants


Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging

your mum while your dad watches.


Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt....You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

[schitzophrenic]

i like this one.. you've probably heard it b4.. but i'll add it anyways..

The circus manager sed, "send him in!" and a man

with a large suitcase entered. When he opened it, out popped a midget who promptly began to play beautiful minuets on the piano.
"This is incredible!Where did you get such an incredible

act?What's the story?" the manager demanded to know.
"It's like this. I found a bottle on the beach and when i opened it, there was a genie who sed he would only grant me one wish coz he had

become old and feeble after many centuries in the bottle. And the stupid, half-deaf old genie thought i wished for a twelve-inch pianist!"

[schitzophrenic]

this is wot everyone thinks of good 'ld australia..

A teacher asks one of his students.. "name me an animal which can be

found in australia."

"A Kangaroo!!"

"good, name me another animal."

"Er, another kangaroo??"

[Gabbo]

this chick walks into a hotel bar on the 20th floor and sits down, and then this guy goes hey u see this drink, if u drink it u can

fly for a bit, and shes ok prove it, so he sucks back the drink and flys around the building once and comes back into the bar, and shes like **** ok what hapens when u have two, so he sucks back 2

drinks and flys around the building twice and goes back it, and the chicks like thats fucking sick so she orders a drink sucks it back jumps out the window and lands straight to the ground. the

bartender goes **** your a **** when ure drunk superman

[Gabbo]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with

him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get

that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you

went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday

he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your

prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie

agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts,

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

[Gabbo]

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and

we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo

and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted

for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her

tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Gabbo]

http://chrislewis0.tripod.com//sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/kermit.gif

[Gabbo]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with

Schlitz, don't you like it?" The man says "I hate that ****. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer and you're going to blow

chunks." You don't understand said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 guys are drinking at a bar when one

turns to the other & says "Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me have 4 beers" His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should do what I do. Drink as many beers as you can

fit down you, follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon! Then go home, shove your head under the blanket & lick your wifes pussy like crazy, she WONT complain after, trust me!" So the 1st

guy says "**** IT!!",, gets tanked and wobbles home. After he stumbles up the stairs he opens the bedroom door, and without hesitation, dives under the blanket and licks away!

After 5

minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll never kiss me like this " So of to the bathroom he goes. When he gets there he see's his wife, laid there in the bath reading a book. "What

the ****!!" he shouts out. "SHUSH!!" shewispers back to him "You'll wake your mother!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys were

hunting and got seperated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log he soon fell a sleep.
Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed

his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple

hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I

was a sleep I must have **** my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of GOD and a greasy stick I would never have gotten 'em back

in."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of

the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the

bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should

leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they

arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say

about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He Said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your

best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's

home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's

comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, feet, then said, "Why...just look at his pretty little eyes...

Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good

thing, cause that little fucker can't wear glasses.
-----------------------------------------------------------

[djMike]

George W. Bush goes to a primary school and gives a little speech to some kids. he then starts taking questions
a little kid gets

up and says, "hi mr president my names Billy and i have two questions:
1. How come Al Gore got more votes than you but you became president?
2. Do you think there is a connection between

saddam hussain and al-quiada?(i think thats how you spell it...)

at that moment the recess bell goes and all the kids go outside. when they come back george starts taking more questions. a

little girl gets up and says "my names betty and i have 4 questions"
1. How come Al Gore got more votes than you but you became president?
2. Do you think there is a connection between saddam

hussain and al-quiada?
3. How come the recess bell went 10 minutes early?
4. Wheres Billy?

[wasz]

HAH! I like ^^^^ That one...

A man goes to his wife "My olympic condoms have arrived and tonight im going to wear the gold

one!" To which the wife replies "Why dont you wear the silver one and come second for a fucken change!"

[Gabbo]

GOLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gate_crasher469]

q:how do u confuse an irishman?
a:throw him in a river and tell him to drown some fish

q:y did the blonde climb over the

galss wall?
a:to c wat was on the other side

q:how do u confuse an irishman?
a:put him in a round room and tell him sit in the corner

[wasz]

MORAL DILEMMA

You are the President of the U.S.A. and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that

will wipe out their entire country. It is scheduled to hit about 2.30 a.m. in just two days time from now. You have enough ships and military personnel nearby to evacuate them safely, but they are

on stand-by for further conflict with Iraq.

Your question: do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it

live?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions

at members of the Bush administration. Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an "Iraqi"

reporter.

According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" "That may be true," Powell

countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley

said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the

eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah

raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to

this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt

Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She

drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until
the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral

did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the **** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[gate_crasher469]

their good
____________________________________________________________ _

there were 5 people on a plane as it was crashing,

the piliots had gone
they were hilary clinton, bill gates, george bush, the pope and a little school girl
there was only 4 parichutes

the 1st person mrs clinton said "i am a senator in

the us parliament and possibly the next president of the us" and took a parachute and jumped

the 2nd bill gates said "i am bill gates owner of microsoft and richest person in the world" and

took the 2nd parachute and jumped

the 3rd george bush said "i am the smartest president in american history and the nation couldnt survive without me" and took a bag and jumped

the

4th the pope said to the school girl "i am old and will not live much longer and as a good catholic u can take the last parichute"

the girl replied "america's smartist president just took

my skool bag"

[wasz]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a

little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her...

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies,
"Are you

mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around,

they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"



Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow

job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

[schitzophrenic]

i guess i aint the only funny **** in this place :twisted:

[Djmikeyc]

i dunno if you guys will find this funni but i did lol.

There are 2 pregnate women sitting at a bus stop waiting for the bus

both are nitting. The first pregnate women says "i hope i have a girl cause i have all this pink wool." the second women replys "I hope i have a re-tart cause i just fucked up the

sleeves"

:S

[schitzophrenic]

two lesbain vampires check out of a hotel, one of them says to the receptionist : "same time, next month"

ok ok..

another..

a man decides to marry a virgin, so he goes to a covent or convent or woteva. anyhoo, so he asks one of the nuns there.. do you know wot a protitute is? and she looks confused and

sex "prositute?? wot is that?" he replies :"well its a woman who has sex with men for money" and the nun sez "money??money?? but the priest only gave us lollies."

[wasz]

A guy is waiting outside a store for his wife to finish shopping. A prostitute comes upto him and says "Do you want to come home with

me?" "For hoe much?" replies the man. "$100" the prostitute says. "Ill give you $5" "**** off!" says the protitute and she walks off...

The mans wife then comes out of the store and they

walk off. Around the corner he bumps into the prostitute. She looks at the mans wife and says "See what you get for $5!!"

[schitzophrenic]

Q: What's red, white and screams??
A: A peeled baby in a bucket of salt

[SeZaBuBz]

eww that 1z a bit disturbing tiff :? :lol: :roll: :wink:

[Gabbo]

http://www.stopstart.freeserve.co.uk/smilie/Drooling_anim.gif........................................... ........http://www.stopstart.freeserve.co.u

k/smilie/ZZZsleep.gif

[schitzophrenic]

well well.. wot can i say?? :P :roll: :wink:

[Gabbo]

Q. What happened when the man fell into the upholstery machine?


A. He came out recovered

[schitzophrenic]

ok.. two sausages are on a barbeque and one sausage turns to the other and says : "sure is hot today." and the othe sausage goes : "O

MY GOD, ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

[wasz]

An eskimo is driving through New Zeland when his car breaks down. So he wheels it to the garage and the mechanic says "Mate, you've

blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replies "So what you **** sheep!"

[schitzophrenic]

i can't think of a joke :( argh..

[Gabbo]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a

golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when

I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog

granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's

wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a

motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could

have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog

replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode

off as fast as he could!

[wasz]

Q: What sense to sick people feel?

A: Their sense of touch... The dont feel well at all...

Now if you're as immature

as i am... You'll laugh at that for 15 minutes...

[la_bella_donna]

This one's for all u wogs out dere




Q: What do you call a wog in a

hospital???????????????????




A: FULLY SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :) :wink:

[gate_crasher469]

:|

[schitzophrenic]

a bear and a rabbit were walking through a forest and the bear had to ****.. so he walked off and came back 5 minutes later and he

sed to the the rabbit : "do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit replied : "nope, not really." and so the bear picked up the rabiit and wipe his ass with it..

[schitzophrenic]

hmm.. wogs.. *tries to think of a joke*

[Gabbo]

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a bank robbery was happening. Just as she was going passed the

bank, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and they managed to save the lives of her children (two girl sand a boy) and hers. Fourteen years later, one of her

daughters came running out of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, "Mom, I've just had a period and a bullet came out."

So her mother sat her down and explained what

happened.

A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the bathroom again screaming that she too had a period and a bullet came out. So again, she explained the story.



Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the bathroom.

The mother says, "Let me guess. You've had a crap and found a bullet in the toilet."

"No," shouts

the boy, "I've just wacked off and shot the dog."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock

news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure

enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it,"

says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a

man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of

devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants

down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her,

too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Gabbo]

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

[Gabbo]

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there

picking the locks, they are always locking three.

[Gabbo]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

[Gabbo]

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[Gabbo]

Today has been bad. I woke up put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to

go to the bathroom.

[Gabbo]

A kid and his grandfather went fishing one weekend.
The grandfather gets a beer from the cooler and the kid asks if he could have

some.
"Can ur dick touch ur asshole?" the grandfather asks the kid.
The kid said no and the grandfather said he wasnt old enough.
Then the grandfather pulls our a cigarette and starts

smoking it.
The kid asks for a cigarette and the grandfather asks if the kid's dick could touch his asshole.
The kid replies no again and the grandfather says hes not old enough.
Then the

kid pulls out some cookies and starts eating them.
Realizing how hungry the grandfather is he asks for some cookies.
"Can ur dick touch ur asshole?" the kid asks the grandfather.
"Why it

sure can!" the grandfather replies.
"Then go **** urself, these are my cookies!" the kid says.

[Gabbo]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going

? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." "

y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend

congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r

p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n

d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I

s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m"

[Gabbo]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat

next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their

right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed

away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or

relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Gabbo]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs

that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be

at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will

appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

[Gabbo]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and

the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's

office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing

the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar,

he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came

upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[Gabbo]

This guy has been raped by an Elephant and rushes to a Doctor.

The Doctor asks him to bend over so he can examine his Rear.

After the examination the doctor says," man your Anus is TEN inches wide, how come. I was given to understand that Elephants have Thin Long Penis's."

"Yeah", says the man, "But he fingered

me first."

[Gabbo]

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he Stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and

crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.

The Priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately

says "Father remember psalm 129" The priest apologizes
Profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at

her leg for the
Zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
Again says "Father remember psalm 129" Once again the priest apologizes.

"Sorry sister but you

know the flesh is weak" Arriving at the convent
The nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his Church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said "GO FORTH

AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

[Gabbo]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that

manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a

hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says

the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.

It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[Gabbo]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her Grandmother.

When she asked how her

grandpa had died, her gramma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified Jenny suggesting that f**king at the age of 94 was

surely asking for trouble!

"Oh No," Her grandma replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe

away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damm Fire Engine passing by, He'd still be alive!!!

[Gabbo]

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings

and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the

same way."

When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."

The next night the

fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife

yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

[Gabbo]

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a

newspaper.

The little girl says, "What's under there?"

So the man answers, "A bird."

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and

in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"

The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."



So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did

anything to the man.

She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest,

and smashed all its eggs!!"

[Gabbo]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the

next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his

time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.



"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon.

[Gabbo]

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked

down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up

the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The

black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white guy sighed,

"Oh, thank God! I thought

you said 'Turn around!!'"

[Gabbo]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps

from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father

asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.

About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the

plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.

He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick

my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great

big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' "I said, 'No, sir.

I'm too scared.'" "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took

his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did

you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first

[Gabbo]

Three friends boarded a housefull bus. some how they sneaked their way in the centre of the bus. They stopped besides a seat which

was occupied by three girls.

The girls offered them seat on one condition..that they(girls) will seat on their(men) laps after having the seat . The men agreed to the condition and had the

seat and the girls on their lap as well.

After some time one girl said to the man on whose lap she was sitting, "Are you an electrical engineer?". The man was surprised and replied "yes but

how did you know that."

The girl replied "I am receiving shocks from your solder gun".

After some time another girl asked to the man on whose lap she was sitting, "Are you a

mechanical engineer." The man was also surprised and replied "yes but how did you know that."

On that the girl replied "your piston is hurting my cylinder."

After some time the

third girl asked her man if he was a civil engineer. The man was also surprised and asked her how she knew that.

The girl replied "Your dam has broken and flooded my village

[Gabbo]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'pe*nis' in tiny letters. She turned

around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the

word 'pe*nis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she

went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by

the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[Gabbo]

Upon serving the passengers their in-flight snacks, one attendant attempted with utmost professional delicacy to communicate with the

least risk of embarrassment to the passenger that his pants were unzipped. "Sir, your garage door is open", she whispered.

Several times during the flight she attempted to inform him of his

condition but her delicacy was lost on this dumb schmuck until of course he visited the bathroom and realised that he'd been exposed throughout the entire flight.

Realising now what she

had been trying to tell him, he became livid with humiliation. If she had just said his pants were unzipped in 'plain English 'he'd have been spared the embarrassment of having been in flight

almost 8 hours in that condition. "Garage door" eh!

Well, I two can play that game he said to himself. I'll show her Returning to his seat he waited for that quiet moment when he could be

sure that most everyone around him could hear the exchange and called her over to his seat.

"Say, when you saw that garage door open earlier, did you by any chance see a l-o-n-g, brown,

sleek Cadillac parked in there?" he said smirking . Without a moment's hesitation, however, the attendant replied,

"Well, no sir, I sure didn't....but I did see a little pink Volkswagen

with flat tires!"

[Gabbo]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch

of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in

the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of Condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she

replied.

The third nun said, "Oh ****."

[Gabbo]

Hijacker Dilemma

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed,

masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.The

pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy,if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought

about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun

aside and said, Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die

along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains

all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they

couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."



The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."



No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew

tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him,

sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[Gabbo]

A friend was touring Spain. He stopped at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a scrumptious dinner dish being served at the next

table. It looked and smelled wonderful! He inquired about the dish to the waiter, who replied: "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are Bull balls from the bull fight this morning. A

delicacy!"

My friend,though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation," and he requested an order.The waiter informed him there was

only one order served per day as there is only one bull fight each morning. The waiter related that if my friend returned early and placed his order the next day he would be sure to try the rare

dish.

The next morning we returned and much to his delight, my friend was served the one and only special dish of the day. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that

(even though the dish was very tasty) the balls were much smaller than the ones that he had seen being served the previous day. The waiter shrugged and replied, "Si, Senor, sometimes the bull does

not always loose!"

[Gabbo]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The

man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there... He approaches the bartender and asks him "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests

then you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the

jar with the other bills...

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face

while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an

orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper

tequila and then get crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face... Next he staggers out back and soon all the people

inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence...

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the

bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body...

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Gabbo]

A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down. he is approached by a beautiful waitress w/ legs that just won't quit who says, "What

would youlike, sir?"

He says, "A quickie."

She walks away, disgusted, and comes back a few minutes later, and says, "What would you like?"

He says again, "A quickie."



The waitress slaps him and walks away. A man in a table across from the guy then says, "I think that's pronounced 'quiche'."

[Gabbo]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has

to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting

for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to

speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve

decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious,

her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his

motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ¤?=!# DISHES!!"

[Gabbo]

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the

children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables,

Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says

Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher

reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four

syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, you're thinking of '*******', that's only two syllables!

[Gabbo]

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were

all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes

on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat

while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I

congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline.

[Gabbo]

A red head, a brunette, and (of course) a blonde walks into a bar. The bartender tells them in the bathroom theres a magical mirror

that will give you something good if you tell it the truth. If you lie you get sucked in. The girls liked the idea so they all walked into the bathroom. The brunette said "I think i'm the best

looking person in this bar" and out popped out her prize. Next the red-head went up and said "I think I'm the smartest girl in this bar" it was the truth so a prize popped out of the mirror. Next

The blonde went "I think...." She was sucked into the mirror and never seen again

[Gabbo]

A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she

bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales

person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is Andre a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching
it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

[Gabbo]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and

quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him in his bedroom.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing mom?"

The

mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of him to help flatten it."

"Well you're wasting your time then..." say's the little

boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, somewhat puzzled...

"Well because whenever you go out shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up

again!"

[Gabbo]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to

him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in

a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the

ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[wasz]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous

petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" She

says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a

towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within

minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" ! says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the

colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500

membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an

erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

[wasz]

A cowboy is riding through the desert alone on his horse. He is quite far from civilization and has not been with a woman for quite

some time. After becoming increasingly horny, the cowboy starts to look at his horse and begins to think, "I bet I could **** my horse." After a little consideration, the cowboy begins to see the

absurdity of this idea and completely disregards it. A few days later the cowboy starts to get even hornier than he was before and the same thought comes to his mind. The cowboy gets off his horse,

pulls down his pants and tries to stick his dick in. As soon as he gets close, the horse takes a few steps forward. The cowboy tries again and again but every time he tries to **** his horse, it

moves. After a few more failed attempts the cowboy rides on.

Soon he comes across a small Indian village being raided by another local village. The cowboy shoots all the rowdy Indians and

notices that they were just about to begin a sacrifice with the last, surviving person in the whole village. This person is the town virgin and is extremely beautiful. Upon untying her, the virgin

tells the cowboy, "I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to." After pondering this statement for a while, the cowboy asks her, "Do you think you could hold on to my horse for a

while?"

[Gabbo]

yup funny

[wasz]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they

struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat,

the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the

brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up

flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they

going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "

I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the

shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts

off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Gabbo]

haha funny

[gate_crasher469]

hahahahahaha
thats funny sh*t